


Loved You Before I Met You

by ZRobnett



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-09-18 07:43:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9374930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZRobnett/pseuds/ZRobnett
Summary: Castiel was a (now grown) child prodigy in New York til his parents died and left him the family home in Kansas. Castiel buys an Impala from the mother of a man who was away at war. Along with the car, came a set of cassettes from the soldier. Little did Castiel know how close he would become to a man he had never met, just listening to his stories and songs.





	1. Nice to meet you

The house was ordinary, like most houses Castiel had passed over the past year since he moved to Lawrence, Kansas. It was a little, white two-story home, the front door and garage door matched in shades of red. The lawn had seen better days. What made it unique was the beautiful black muscle car that sat proudly in the driveway. Day after day it just sat there. It never seemed to have moved at all, as if no one ever drove it. That was a shame, Castiel thought, a cherried out 1967 Chevy Impala and no one to drive her.

 

The day started off the same, Castiel was riding through the small neighborhood and came across the same, sad looking house. What caught Castiel’s attention, however, was a sign on the car that said FOR SALE. Castiel immediately slowed his bicycle, parking it against the mailbox and stepping onto the curb. As he approached the car he held his breath and gently took the sign out of the windshield. He leaned in and whispered as if he was talking to the car, “I don’t want to look too eager, but just between you and me, I’m taking you home with me today. No matter the cost.” He winked, pulled himself back and walked to the front door, knocking gently, but loud enough to be heard.

  


An attractive older woman who introduced herself as Mary invited him inside. He shook her hand, introduced himself and sat down in the chair she motioned to. She told him that she had a series of questions to be answered first before he could buy the car. Such as his age, what he did for a living, did he have a significant other, and if he planned on joining any branch of the military?  

  
  


Castiel shrugged a bit, people were strange and maybe this was just a quirk of the stranger who sat in front of him. “I’m twenty-four and I’m what one would call a ‘trust-fund baby’.”

 

When Mary raised her eyebrows questioningly, he hurried to explain.

 

“I’m not your usual trust-fund type, though. I inherited my money at a great cost to myself, the loss of both of my parents. So, I’m not exactly reckless, if that’s what you’re worried about. I also made a great deal of money on my own at a young age.” He ran a hand through his hair, feeling heat rise in his cheeks. Castiel normally didn’t talk this much about himself with people he didn’t know. “Let’s just say I’m well-off, but careful. I don’t have a, uhm, what did you call it? ‘Significant other’ but I do hope that will change, one day, in the future.”

 

His grin was a nervous one, but when Mary returned it he let himself relax a bit.

  
  


She continued with the bizarre questions. “Cassette tape or iPod?”

“Easy, cassettes.”

“Have you ever worked on a car?”

“Some, but I’m not exactly a mechanic,” he answered with an awkward laugh.

“Classic or rock-n-roll?”

Castiel lifted an eyebrow, “Was that a trick question?” He asked indignantly.

Mary looked at her tablet, then grinned. “Yes.” Then her face turned serious. “And the… other… question?”

Castile scrunched his face, trying to recall the last question. “Oh! Yeah, no. I have no plans to join any branch of the military. Is that a deal breaker?”  

 

Mary set her pen on her paper and sighed. “Well, now that part is over, you passed the preliminaries to buy my son’s car. We only have to discuss financials.”

 

Castiel shook his head in an attempt to clear it. “Wait, your son’s car?”

 

She sat back, her smile folded and her shoulders drooped slightly. “Yes. My son’s car. You may as well know, Castiel.”

  


Castiel saw the tears well up in Mary’s eyes, so he grabbed a box of tissues and handed them to her.

 

She took one out, threaded it through her fingers and started. “My son, Dean, he loved that stupid car more than anything. The only thing I think he loved more than that car was his brother and me. He was a Marine, just like his father, who also loved the car.” Mary wiped tears away from her eyes and went on. “I promised Dean if he didn’t come home I would sell it this time. I didn’t sell it when his dad didn’t come home. So, I promised I wouldn’t just let it sit there, waiting for the next Winchester old enough to drive it, like I did with Dean.”  

 

“Well, my son disappeared while overseas a year ago, presumed dead, they said. God… he was only twenty. Last week I got a letter that said they found the medical transport he was in, no bodies recovered. So… no more assumptions, I guess. All he asked is that I make sure I stick to his criteria if I sell his car. Which I believe I have. I’m asking five thousand.”

 

Castiel was shaken by the story, but the asking price snapped him back to reality. “Hell no, you’re not. I couldn’t even buy the engine in a car like that for five grand.”

 

Mary shook her head “look, it’s not about the money”

 

Castiel wouldn’t hear of it, “You’re right it’s not and I’m sure you’re son, rest his soul, would tell you, it’s about the principal. I won’t pay less than fifteen thousand. Take it or leave it.”

 

Mary gave him a watery smile and hugged him. “Dean would have liked you.” She handed him the car keys and a large box of tapes, “I am supposed to give these to whoever buys the car if I ever had to sell it.”

 

Castiel thanked her and after writing her the check that still felt sort of like he was ripping her off, he put his bike in the roomy trunk and climbed into his new car. He said to the car, “Hey there, guess you and I have something in common, girl. We’re both orphans. So we’re gonna have to take care of each other.”

 

Castiel pulled out the tape marked PLAY FIRST and popped it in the cassette player. He started the engine and as he pulled out into the street he heard a voice, smooth like southern comfort speak to him from the speakers of that old car “Hi there. My names Sergeant Dean Winchester, USMC. I’m gonna assume if you are listening to this, I didn’t make it home. Well, I’m not gonna pretend that doesn’t suck. I will, however, shamelessly use my death as a way to guilt you into taking good care of my car. So, let’s move on, shall we? This girl here, was my pride and joy. I call her baby and I’m sure she’d like it if you did too.That’s me in the picture on the cover of this tape. Yeah I know, I’m pretty good looking.”

 

Castiel smiled in spite of himself. He picked up the tape case and looked at the photograph and he couldn’t agree more. Dean Winchester had been a very attractive young man. He had light brown, shortly cropped hair. Green apple eyes that seemed to twinkle in a way that almost said “I dare you” He had a wide toothy grin that made you smile just because he did and little dimples on the sides of his mouth. He had just the slightest smattering of freckles across his tanned nose, showing he enjoyed the sunshine. “Damn shame,” Castiel thought.

 

As if the recording heard his thoughts it said “Now don’t get all melancholy. If you haven’t already taken this tape out and tossed it in the backseat, then you are in for a treat. You know that old saying ‘if this car could talk, the stories it would tell?’ Well, buddy, what you have in these cassettes are just that, the stories. I guess I wanted someone, somewhere to know all the crazy shit me and baby went through and what better than the next guy to have crazy adventures with her? So, sit back, strap in and crank that volume up cause you and I are about to go on one hell of a ride together.”

  
Castiel grinned and actually did turn up the volume. Something told him Dean was a literal kind of guy. When the first bars to Bob Seger's -Roll Me Away began to play, he knew he was right. He rolled down the window and took Sergeant Dean Winchester’s Baby out for a nice long drive like he would have wanted.


	2. So she's giving you a hard time?

One week later Castiel was so used to the sound of Dean’s voice in the car, he didn’t even think of it as strange that he listened to tapes recorded in advance by a man in the event of his death. Originally, Castiel had found it odd, especially since his idea of ‘planning ahead’ was maybe a week in advance. He didn’t even have a living will, much less this kind of time and devotion. But now, Castiel just enjoyed listening to Dean’s stories. 

He had heard all about Dean’s dad teaching him to drive and the army man that was still wedged in the ash trash in the door from Sammy riding along. Also on the trip to the Grand Canyon, Dean and his brother got so bored they sacrificed lego’s to the air conditioning vents. Sometime’s, when Castiel stopped too suddenly he could hear those old toys rattle around and he would smile. In the front of that tape was a picture of young Dean and his little brother who he called Sammy and if you looked closely you could sort of make out their initials still carved into the back dash. Castiel supposed any other car buyer might be irritated by these little flaws, but other car buyer didn’t have Dean to explain the significance. To make them special. 

 

Castiel pulled up outside the community college. A redhead with black horn-rimmed glasses and a t-shirt that read DARTH IS THE NEW BLACK got into the car. She gave Castiel a quick hug before buckling her seat belt.

 

“Hey Casanova, thanks for picking me up, walking sucks Spaceballs.”

Castiel shook his head “Charlie. Must you call me that? Can’t you just call me Castiel?  Or hell, just Novak is fine. But, combining my first and last name… I don’t know, it’s like you ship me.. with me.”

 

She grinned “Then find someone else for me to ‘ship’ you with. In the meantime, I like it. And you won’t fire me cause..”

 

Castiel was about to say more when Charlie pointed to the radio “What are we listening too...exactly?”

 

Castiel was a bit embarrassed he hadn’t even realized the tape was still playing, he was so used to Dean’s voice. He hadn’t listened to this tape before so he wasn’t even sure exactly what they were listening to.

 

Dean was laughing ..”so here I am stuck out in the middle of fuck-knows-where, no way out, and the world’s most persistent chick trying to simultaneously get me out of my jeans and inhale my face” he busted up laughing.

 

Before Dean could say anything worse Castiel ejected the tape. The car felt eerily silent. He chanced a look at Charlie, fearing the worst. Her face was blank. She reached toward the tape, Cas bit his lower lip and held his breath, then she pushed it back in and the car filled with Dean’s laughter once more.

 

Charlie shrugged and grinned “I wanna know what happens next. Poor guy, whoever he is. You can explain later Casanova” she winked

 

Castiel smiled and put the car in drive “and that’s why I don’t fire you” 

 

“I know. I’m awesome”

* * *

  
  


If you were to ask him, Castiel Novak would not say that he was “lonely”. However, he was very much alone. He lived in a large three-bedroom house with a formal dining room and a den he turned into an office, that he didn’t really need. It had two bathrooms and a sun porch he never went out on with a bistro table and chairs that were only maintained because he had a kick-ass housekeeper who was the closest thing he had to a friend. He had a high-end kitchen with stainless steel appliances and marble countertops and he rarely ever cooked. He mostly ate out, if he remembered to eat at all. He had a living room with a large television that he rarely watched. Lastly was the sitting room, decorated in a victorian fashion and in the corner sat a delicate Stradivarius violin that no one played.. 

 

What people didn’t know about Castiel could fill a book. What they did know, if they did a little research, was that he had been what they called a protege’. Anything with strings came alive and began to sing in his hands even as a small child. They say when he played, Corelli wept in his grave from the beauty of it and Vivaldi rose from the dead to give a standing ovation. They say it was a tragedy to end all tragedies that the day his parents plane went down, Castiel lay down his bow and has not touched a single string since. It has been this way for the two years he remained in Long Island after his parents passing and the year since he has relocated to the family home in Kansas. So, he might not say he was lonely, but ask anyone else, and they might disagree. Knowing this, it should come as no surprise, Castiel took solace in the words and memories of a man who, for all intents and purposes, no longer existed.

The sun was just beginning to set. Castiel was driving along a stretch of back roads that ‘Dean’ had recommended listening to one of the side two’s of the ‘Dean tape’s’.

 

All of the side two’s had excellent music recorded onto them AC-DC, Bob Segar, Lynard Skynard were just a few of the band’s and artists represented on those tapes. So when Castiel wasn’t listening to Dean tell him about the good ol’ days, he was listening to side two. 

 

Suddenly Baby stuttered and then came to a slow halt. Castiel pulled her over on the side of the road and dug into the box till he found the tape he was looking for. The case read SO, SHE’S GIVIN’ YOU A HARD TIME. He ejected the other tape and pushed this one in. As soon as Dean began to speak, Castiel felt calmer about the situation. “Hey, again. I figure you picked this tape cause baby ain’t feelin’ too hot. Well, don’t worry. There ain’t a thing in, on or around this girl that I can’t fix. Side note; when all of this is done, if you manage to fix her, flip over the tape and rewind side two to the beginning. Now, first things first. You’re gonna wanna open the glove box and take out that walkman and flashlight, future reference, make sure you have backup batteries for these things. Okay, turn off the car. Eject this tape, stick it in the walkman and hit play. I’ll wait.”

 

Castiel did exactly what Dean had said and it never stopped amazing him Dean’s sixth sense about people and how they would react in a situation. He knew Dean had this gift because he always said things on tape that showed that insight. Castiel put the headphones on and hit play on the walkman. Dean laughed “Okay, genius, now reach back in the car and grab the flashlight you probably forgot and left lying on the seat” Castiel shook his head, opened up the car door and grabbed the flashlight he had in fact left lying on the seat.

 

Dean walked him through accessing the toolbox in the trunk of the car (hidden under the floorboard) and step-by-step he went through what could be wrong with Baby. It turned out it was as simple as one of her spark plugs had slipped loose. Once it was tightened she started right up. Castiel returned the toolbox, the walkman, and flashlight to their correct places. He closed the hood, got in the car and rewound side two of the tape as instructed. When it finished rewinding it played automatically “Awesome! You got her up and running. Right now you must be feeling kind of badass. Good job, man. I knew you had in you.” Then Nazareth's - Hair of the Dog started playing. By the time Castiel rounded the curve on his way home he was beating a drum beat on the steering wheel and singing along loudly “Now you’re messing with a … son-of-a-bitch!” and grinning like a fool. 


	3. Hey Jude

The new stereo was the first thing Castiel had purchased for himself in a while that didn’t fall under the “necessities” category in his life. He set it up in his office since there was a comfortable couch in there that you could lay back on. He really only used the room with the queen Anne desk for writing checks and paying bills anyway. So Castiel figured it should get better use this way. 

Surround sound in place and stereo hooked up, Castiel pulled a Dean tape at random and put it in the cassette player. He lay back on the couch, closed his eyes and hit play with the remote in his hand. All at once Sargent Dean Winchester USMC was in his room. His voice surrounding him, as if it came from everywhere. Castiel smiled. Dean was telling him about his mom.

“ _ It’s raining now. As I record this tape. Makes me think about when I was a kid. Haha. I used to be afraid of the storm. So she would come in and sing to me. Her favorite was ‘Hey Jude by The Beatles’ It’s kinda funny and don’t tell anyone this but sometimes, when I get lonely for home or this damn war gets under my skin, I’ll still sing it” _

Then Dean did something he hadn’t done on the other tapes. Something that touched a piece of Castiel that he didn’t know needed touching. Castiel heard the stroke of strings as a guitar came to life on the tape and then Dean began to sing”

 

_ “ _ _ Hey Jude, don't make it bad _

_ Take a sad song and make it better _

_ Remember to let ‘em into your heart _

_ Then you can start to make it better _

_ Hey Jude, don't be afraid _

_ You were made to go out and get ‘em _

_ The minute you let ‘em under your skin _

_ Then you begin to make it better _

_ And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain _

_ Don't carry the world upon your shoulders _

_ For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool _

_ By making his world a little colder... _

_ Anyway.. You know how the song goes.” _

Castiel hit stop on the tape. He raised a shaky hand to his face and wiped away the first tears he had cried since finding out his parents died. It was almost as though he had meant to cry but just hadn’t gotten around to it. But he knew the truth, if he cried, if he mourned, it made it real. Castiel quickly cleared his throat a few times. He shook off those thoughts, dried those tears and hit play. Deans soothing voice came back into the room and Castiel felt okay again. He wasn’t alone. He had Dean.

* * *

 

Castiel came into the house. Sweat was dripping from his forehead and down the center of his back. His bicycling always helped him clear his head and kept him in shape. He took off the walkman attached to his hip and lay it on the table in the hall. 

Slipping out of his clothes he turned on the water in the shower letting it heat up. As he stood in the bathroom, watching the mirror began to fog, he could have sworn he caught a glimpse of a green-eyed soldier. He winked at him. Castiel stepped under the spray of water and closed his eyes. He imagined Dean, from his pictures and how Castiel had started to envision him. In a few moments, he felt strong hands wrap around him from behind. The hands were calloused from years of fixing cars but they felt good sliding across his body. Castiel soaped up his own hands and pictured the hands of the young soldier wrapping around his cock. He sucked in air and let his head fall back. He felt his head land against a broad shoulder and chest. Felt himself held against Dean Winchester’s body as his hand stroked Castiel’s cock. He heard Dean’s voice in his head “I love touching you like this. Feeling you harden just for me. I want to feel you inside me.” Castiel’s phantom Dean switched positions and now Castiel pictured himself planted behind Dean’s firm round ass. He slid effortlessly inside him. Castiel stroked his cock faster, imagining himself fucking Dean. He braced one hand against the shower tiles. Biting his lip he imagined Dean cuming gloriously crying out his name. Castiel’s body shook, he came hard, milking his cock for all it was worth. You could hear his cry echo in the empty house “Dean! Dean..dean..”

A few minutes passed and laid his forehead against the shower wall. "I think I'm loosing my mind" Castiel laughed to himself.


	4. Sammy

Castiel was dancing around his kitchen putting together a sandwich and listening to a Dean side-two. He turned and gave an abrupt shout. Charlie was standing with her hands on her hips and an eyebrow raised. She shouted over the music “I knocked three times! Then I just came in.” The music stopped as she pointed up to the ceiling “Dean tape?”

Castiel nodded, his mouth full of sandwich. He pointed at the box on the table “Could you switch tapes for me, my hands are kind of dirty.”

Charlie sighed “Sure thing boss but I think maybe you spend too much time with your imaginary friend.”

Castiel laughed “Says you. Switch the tape please.”

Charlie grabbed the next tape in the box and slid it into the cassette player in the living room. It only took a couple seconds for them to realize this tape was NOT meant for Cas. Especially since it started out “Hey Sammy, I hope you never have to hear this tape but if you do, I need to impart some wisdom on you.”

Castiel nearly flew around the corner. A look of near-horror on his face. “What tape is this?” He asked Charlie. She picked up the cassette case and read it out loud “For Sammy - don’t let mom hear this.”

Castiel hit pause on the tape. “We really shouldn’t listen to this, it’s private” He couldn’t keep his gaze from drifting back to the stereo, though. What would Srgnt Winchester tell his little brother, in the event of his death? Would he say goodbye? Would he say he had always loved him? Would there be advice on things Sam would want to ask a big brother? Being the only child of two dead parents, Castiel really wanted to know what someone would say to their loved ones.

However, it was Charlie that finally spoke up, “You know, it wouldn’t really hurt to listen to it. I mean, might be best if you intend to find this kid. So, like, you have a heads up how it will affect him”

The excuse was pretty hollow but since Cas really wanted to hear it, he hoped Dean would forgive him for prying. He took a deep breath and hit play. Dean’s voice sounded so sad, it was hard to match him up with the same man on the other tapes. 

“So, I guess by now you have heard I’m not coming back. First, lemme say, I’m sorry Sammy. I can assure you I tried like hell to get back to you but war isn’t kind and rarely fair. It’s alright if you cry, I won’t tell anyone. But after you’re done with that, I think there will be times that you need me and I don’t want you to ever feel alone or lost. So, I’m gonna give you some pointers. You just come back and listen to this tape whenever you need to and don’t ever forget, I love you little brother and I’m always looking out for you.”

The tape went on to tell Sam how to pick up girls (“or guys if that’s your thing”) How to know when you have found the perfect car. How to pass a driver’s test and many other life lessons. He also told Sam where he had stashed his old porn and lastly instructed him that he was the man of the house now and to always look after mom.

Castiel finally shut off the tape. Charlie came out from the kitchen she had been cleaning. “Casanova, you gotta get that tape to that little boy and you gotta do it without his mom knowing.” 

Cas nodded. He rewound the tape and placed it in its case. Then he sat down at his computer to research where Sam Winchester would be attending his first year of high school, based on his address and district codes. Once he had written down the address he grabbed his keys. School should be letting out soon. Charlie stopped him with a gentle hand on his arm “You want me to come with you?”

Cas shook his head no. “I think I need to do this alone.”

 

Sam Winchester was walking along the pavement shuffling his feet. He was dragging his backpack behind him. The sound of a familiar engine made him look up and then drop his bag as he stared at his brothers Black Impala. His breath caught up to him as he realized it wasn’t his brother who got out of the car. 

Castiel walked across the street when he saw a boy who looked like the picture’s Dean had left behind. He approached the boy and the boy took a wary step back. Cas stopped and put his hands up in surrender “Okay, it’s cool. I’m not here to hurt you. You’re Sammy right?”

The boy just stared at him and finally gave a curt nod.

Castiel tried to keep his smile kind. “Alright. I’m Castiel. I bought your brothers car a couple months ago. He left something for you by mistake in the car. I’ll just set it here.” Cas eased down and set the tape and the photo of Sam and Dean on the sidewalk. Then he backed away.

Once he had crossed the street, Sammy finally bent down and picked up the tape and photo. Castiel could tell he was trying not to cry. He shoved them into his backpack and took off at a run towards home.

Cas got back into the car and laid his head back against the seat. He spoke out loud “Well, he got it, Dean. I hope this makes up for me listening in.”

After Cas was sure Sammy wouldn’t think he was following him, He got out his wallet. He counted out $200 dollars and placed it in an unmarked envelope. On the cover, he wrote the same thing he did every week.  _ To: Mary - Hope this helps.  _ He never signed it. It wasn’t about being noticed, it was about doing what Dean would want. He had learned enough to know Mary Winchester was a proud woman, but he also knew teenage boys weren’t cheap. So he figured it didn’t hurt anyone to help out a woman who raised such a good man.

He slipped the envelope into her mailbox and hoofed back down the street to his car. Once inside, he hit play on the tape he had cued up and once again heard Dean sing “Hey,Jude” He smiled as he put the car in drive.


	5. Road Trip

Almost a year had passed since Castiel had bought Baby and been introduced to the man that would have been Dean Winchester. He had listened to nearly all the tapes countless times. He knew almost every way to fix or repair Baby and how to keep her in tip top shape. The only tapes he hadn’t listened to were a three tape set titled  **Road Trip: just do it 1,2 and 3** and one titled  **Confessions.** He figured he would need the road trip one some day and wanted it to be new to him when he did it and the confessions just seemed so private, he didn’t feel worthy yet for Dean to reveal all his deep dark parts to him, maybe someday.

 

As it turned out, he needed the Road Trip tapes sooner than he thought. Castiel  _ did not  _ want to go on this trip. He didn’t want to face the music and he sure as hell didn’t want to talk to any damn lawyers. But, Dean said, “Just do it” and he hadn't steered Cas wrong yet. So, Castiel was going to drive 20 hours to Long Island to settle his parent's estate. His cousin Michael had been temporarily staying there for the last 4 years but he was getting married and the estate needed to be taken care of. Not to mention, Castiel had let the ‘small’ matter of a very large fortune sit in a bank all this time still under the account of Mr. James Novak because he just couldn’t bring himself to deal with lawyers and change anything over. 

So his bags were packed and in Baby’s trunk and his walkman and flashlight had extra batteries and were in the glove box. He knew Dean would tell him everything else he needed as soon as he put in tape one. He was sure of it. All that was left to do was inform Charlie, his housekeeper and friend that he would be gone for 3 days so that she could water the plants and keep the place nice. Maybe she would just stay over. Castiel never really liked the neighborhood that Charlie lived in. He phoned her and when she arrived she was surprised, to say the least. “Okay, wait a minute. You are going out of town? To.. you know.. _ That _ town?”

Castiel quirked his lip “Yes. I am going to Long Island. You can say the name Charlie, it’s not like it’s Voldemort or something.”

Charlie shrugged “To hear you talk, or rather NOT talk about it, you would think it was. Anyway, you’re going alone?”

“No. Well, I mean yes, technically, but.. You know.. well, I’ll have Dean” Castiel held up the road trip tapes.

Charlie put her head in her hands and sighed. Then she lightly gripped Castiel’s shoulders “ Casanova, do me a favor while you are on that trip, meet a  _ real _ boy. One that maybe doesn’t require batteries or a stereo system to talk to. Okay?”

Castiel furrowed his brow “Thanks for the concern Charlie but I’m fine. I don’t need to be in a relationship, I’m a mess and we both know it.” He hugged her slightly “Take care of the house while I’m gone and please feel free to stay here and not in the slums”

She smirked “Well.. you could always pay me more and I could move into a prettier neighborhood.” 

She was kidding but Castiel looked thoughtful. “I might actually do that Charlie. We’ll talk when I return.” He left her in the doorway mouth agape.

Once in the car, Cas took out Tape one and popped it in. Dean was more excited then Cas was “Yeah! Road Trip, baby!” He stretched out the vowel sound in Baby to be like, three syllables. He went on “I’m gonna assume you have already checked the fluids and tire pressure and filled the tank “Castiel laughed and spoke to the radio “Got it covered Dean, whats next?”

As usual Dean was one step ahead of him. “Good. Now, to do a road trip right, the next thing you’re gonna need's supplies. Snacks are essential for road tripping. Music is too, but I got you covered there. Okay, here’s how it works, go to the store. If you are already at the store and it is one of those whole foods or healthy store … get.out.now. You are in the wrong place. I mean a convenience store. Some place where you can stock up on things high carb, high sugar that will keep you movin’ on down the road. Get there and I’ll walk ya through it.”

Cas hit pause and drove to the Am-Pm that was right off the freeway he would be taking. He put the tape in the walkman and entered the store. He could almost picture Dean leaning against the rack, pointing out goodies. Dean talked into Castiel's ear as he walked the few isles. “Now, I’m not gonna choose for you. I know snacking is a personal experience. But, you gotta have something from each junk food group. That’s salty, sweet, crunchy, caffeinated and hydrating. My personal faves are beef jerky, those little Debbie fruit pies, Cool Ranch Doritos, Pepsi and a shit-ton of power-aid but it’s your road trip man. Grab what you need and let’s get this show on the road.”

Castiel rarely ate junk food so he grabbed everything on Dean’s list then added gum, skittles, pork rinds and a large coffee. He figured that should do it for the start. 

He got back into the car and tossed the bag into the passenger seat. That’s the first time it happened. He heard an oof and slowly looked over to see Dean sitting in the passenger seat. Cas rubbed his eyes but the image didn’t fade. That’s when he knew, he had finally lost it. If only he could have found it in him to care. He knew it was most likely a hallucination from how long he had fantasized about the same guy but he really didn’t want it to fade. Halluci-Dean said “Dude, did you buy the whole store?”

Castiel laughed and moved the bag to the passenger floor board “No, just most of it” He grinned widely and slid his aviator sunglasses onto his face. 

Halluci-Dean laughed. It was as Castiel knew it would be. The corners of his eyes wrinkled and he tossed his head back. Then he tapped the dash with his fingers and Castiel could swear he heard the sound. Dean’s emerald green eyes shone brightly he said “Come on, buddy. Let’s get on the road”

Castiel popped the tape back in to hear what Dean had to say next, and the hallucination vanished. Castiel shrugged and listened to Dean tell him about the need to get a map and how they would have to stop at anything that seemed ridiculous, like the world’s largest ball of string. He also told Cas to take his time, take pictures, rest when you’re tired, stay in cheap motels and eat at greasy spoon diners. Then he said “Don’t worry, I’ll be right here with you” Castiel felt that he really was too.

Then Dean informed him he would be playing some sweet tunes and maybe telling some road trip stories along the way and that Cas should sit back, get comfy and enjoy the ride. The beginning of Steppenwolf’s “Born to be wild” started playing. Dean shouted over the music “Sing it if you know” and began to sing along in the background. Castiel smiled and sang along too.

The first tourist attraction he stopped at was at Cherry Hill Dr, Columbia, MO 65203. It was called  _ The Magic Tree. _

_ _

The purpose of the tree was written on a plaque. 

**_First and foremost it is a “senseless act of beauty”.   This idea, that there can be a senseless act of beauty is actually a misnomer for beauty all by itself has the supreme purpose of conveying the human/divine ideas of hope, goodness, peace and even love.  Beauty has a way, when we recognize it, of paradoxically putting us at ease while at the same time exciting us.  This paradox is known as the state of joy.  This state of mind can have a powerfully healing effect on heart, mind and soul not to mention the body.  Acts of beauty, then, are always quite sensible and have a resurrecting  influence in our lives._ **

**_The second purpose of the Magic Tree follows quite naturally from the first and that is to elicit from the viewer a sense of their own natural goodness.  Realize that what you perceive outside of yourself you have also within you._ **

**_The Magic Tree then is a beacon of healing and soothing beauty.  It is a call to goodness, drawing out our own innate desire to be the positive changes we want to see in the world._ ** ****

 

Castiel stood in front of the tree for a long time. He sipped on the delicious hot chocolate. He took a photo of the wondrous array of color coming from the thousands of lights and he did just what the plaque said, he absorbed it for the beauty it was and let it heal his heart a little.  When he returned to Baby, he was surprised to find that even she seemed to glow and shine in ways he hadn’t noticed before. He got in and smiled at his passenger seat “I’m glad you talked me into this Dean, I needed it” He hit play on the tape again  Dean's voice filtered in, sounding a bit tired he yawned “This song goes out to that special lady car in our lives. Baby, this one's for you” Springsteen's “Born to run” began to play. Castiel rolled down the window and let the night air hit him as he sang along with Dean “Tramps like us, Baby, we were born to ruuun” 

By the time Castiel crossed over into Indiana, he knew he had to stop for the night. It worked out well though because seeing the world's largest ball of paint would be cooler in the daytime. He pulled up his GPS and found the cheapest hotel nearby which was a Super 8 and then found a little family diner called Bob Evans. It wasn’t exactly a “greasy-spoon” but it was still a diner and they fed him enough to last through the next day if he wanted it. He devoured his burger and thick cut steak fries and washed it down with a chocolate shake. As he fell into the hotel bed, exhaustion taking over, halluci-Dean faded back into view. Stretched out on the bed next to Castiel he winked “Get some shut-eye handsome.” Castiel reached his hand out and rubbed the top of “Dean’s” hand. He fell asleep smiling.

When Castiel woke up in the morning he got coffee from the office and called the owners of the World’s Largest Ball of Paint to schedule an appointment. They said the day was pretty quiet so he could just come along when he arrived. They also mentioned the “price of admission” to see this Guinness book attraction was that you put an extra coat of provided paint, on the ball. Cas stopped in at the Wal-mart and grabbed a pair of sweats and a t-shirt so he wouldn’t ruin his clothes with paint and he was off to 10696 N. 200 W, Alexandria, Indiana 4600.

Cas thought the ball looked like a giant marshmallow so he opted for the unpopular color of white paint. When he was done he took a picture of his addition to the paintball and asked out loud “What do you think?” A woman standing nearby thought he had spoken to her and she said: “Makes me want a giant cup of hot cocoa to dip it in”. Castiel laughed, his work here was done. 

He had one more stop on his attractions list before he reached the town that made him want to vomit up nerves. He was glad Dean had suggested he stop and take in some sights, it helped him build up the courage to face the music.

Showered, changed and checked out, He was on the road again. He switched to tape two and hit play. Dean was in a talking mood. “Have you ever been in love? I sort-of thought I was once, a girl in jr. high. That’s when I was pretending to stra.. To be something I wasn’t” Castiel hit the brakes. Did Dean just insinuate that he was gay? Pulling over the car, he rewound and listened again. It definitely sounded like he was going to say “pretending to be straight”. Castiel absorbed this thought for a second or two. He wondered if that was on Dean’s Confession tape. For the first time since owning Baby and listening to Dean, Castiel got mad. He wasn’t angry at Dean for possibly being gay in his life. He was angry at the injustice of it all. If Dean had come home from the war, he would pass him n his bike. He might even see Dean outside working on Baby, maybe he would have stopped to talk to him. Now, he would never know. It was just so unfair. 

Cas started the car again and began to drive. The silence finally too much for him he resumed Dean’s tape. “ I wasn’t of course. Truthfully, who really knows in middle school? I don’t know. I hope I did fall in love, at some point. I hope there was someone special in my life. Maybe someone who’s heart was a little broken because I didn’t make it back to them.”

Castiel shook his head “There is, Dean, there is.”

Dean continued “Maybe that’s selfish, dude. Maybe it’s just human nature. Either way, here’s some advice. If you aren’t in love, try and find that person that does it for you. Life’s too short, man. Believe me, I know. Ah, well, fuck it, moving along. Here’s a jam to lighten up this mood I just set. The Eagles “Take it easy” played. This time Cas just listened to Dean sing it. He was in a reflective mood.

As he pulled up to his last attraction he said to Baby. “I chose this one especially for you.” The Canton Classics Car Museum. 

 

The sign on the door read:  **_We are so much more than cars.! Housed in a 1914 Ford_ ** [ **_Dealership_ ** ](http://www.downtowncanton.com/attractions/canton-classic-car-museum/#) **_.This awesome museum opened in 1978 and displays more than 45 antique_ ** [ **_and classic cars_ ** ](http://www.downtowncanton.com/attractions/canton-classic-car-museum/#) **_. Our Canton Room proudly displays a 1937 Fully Bullet-Proof Canton Police Car ” The Flying Squadron”. See_ ** [ **_cars from_ ** ](http://www.downtowncanton.com/attractions/canton-classic-car-museum/#) **_a 1901 Curved Dash Olds to a 1970 Plymouth Superbird!_ **

Castiel was delighted. Some people even asked to take a picture with Baby outside, assuming she was part of the attractions. He was happy to oblige and sooner than he wanted, he was back on the road for the long haul.

Before he even knew it, he was arriving at his family's estate. For the sake of the road trip, he took a picture. Then he sat just listening to Dean for about ten minutes before he took a deep breath and got out of the car.

Home Sweet Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lemme know what ya'll think of Halluci-Dean. I'm curious :)


	6. Novak estate

Castiel didn’t know whether to knock or just enter the home he had grown up in. He decided knocking felt more appropriate. The door was immediately answered by an older man with dark skin and slightly graying hair. His voice was filled with joy “Master Novak! So good to see you, come on in.”

He opened the door wide and Castiel took a reluctant step inside. “Thank you, Joshua, it’s good to see you too”

He looked around him. Memories invaded with every step he took into the large house. He could nearly hear his father's laughter and feel his mother's warm arms hugging him. Past each room he walked, he could swear the music followed and drove him on. The house was silent now, almost too quiet. It had always been filled with music from his own fingertips on violins, harps, cellos and piano keys from his mother's delicate fingers. He had to stop when he reached the music room. He put his hand over his mouth and squeezed his eyes closed to hold back the tears threatening to spill over. Joshuas' hand rested kindly on his shoulder. “You do not have to go in there, sir. I’m sure we all would understand.”

  
Castiel shook his head “No, I’ll be fine Joshua, Thank you.”

  
“Everyone will be meeting in the main dining room in one hour, sir” Joshua gave a nod and left Castiel by himself.

  
Halluci-Dean popped into the room as Castiel entered it. He whistled slowly _“Wow. Nice digs Cas. You play all these instruments?”_

  
Castiel shook his head and answered curtly “No.”

  
Dean raised his eyebrow _“A whole room filled with instruments and you never played? That seems like a waste.”_

  
Castiel sat down in one of the highback Edwardian chairs and rubbed his face with his hands. “No.. I, um… I don’t play...anymore. I used to. It was the highlight of my parents day, so... I just can’t now.”

  
Dean knelt in front of him so Castiel could see into his green eyes. _“I repeat. Seems like a waste. The one thing that made them happy. Probably made you happy too, and you stopped doing it? I don’t know if you know this, buddy, but music is said to heal the soul.”_

  
Castiel rubbed his head “Shut up! Okay. You’re not even here. I am loosing my mind and yelling at phantoms. Just..dissapear!”

  
Halluci-Dean vanished. Castiel took a shaky breath. What the hell was he doing here? He hated this place of memories now. Hated everything about it. He just wanted to sell it and get the hell back home to Kansas.

  
An hour passed quicker than he thought it would. He heard his cousin talking to someone in the dining room and decided to join them. He pasted on a smile, stood upright and marched with purpose into the room.

  
Michael greeted him warmly “Castiel! It’s so good to see you.” he hugged him. Then, escorted him to sit down at the hardwood dining table. He introduced the lawyer. Castiel smiled and nodded as needed.

  
When he mentioned selling, however, Michael got upset. “Wait. What? You can’t sell this place Castiel. It’s been in the family for generations. It may not mean anything to you now, but it means a hell of a lot to the rest of your family.”

  
Castiel rubbed the bridge of his nose. “What would you like me to do, Michael? I sure as hell am not living here. Would you like me to just leave it here, collecting dust with no one but Joshua and the house staff to care for it? Also, who do you suppose will pay the staff each month? Or should that be me also?”

  
Michael scrunched his forehead “Okay, you make valid points. Sell it to me.”

  
Castiel didn’t mean to sound like a pompous ass, but he knew it came off that way when he laughed out loud and said “No offense cousin, but, with what money?”

  
Michael sighed “Alright, that’s fair. I don’t have the kind of money to buy this place outright but what if I bought it in payments? My bride and I will return from our honeymoon in two months and I can take over all the household expenses and slowly buy the house from you.”

  
Castiel sat silent for a minute. He just wanted to be rid of these memories, a check each month from his cousin would be a constant reminder of everything he left behind. However, Michael had a point, to sell the family heritage to someone who was not in the family felt wrong. Castiel turned to the lawyer “ Mr. Fleming, How much would my monetary settlement be, without factoring the house?”

  
The lawyer pulled out a calculator and did some figures. “That would be… Approximately 2.3 million Mr.Novak.”

  
Castiel’s first thought was, _"in other words, more money than I could ever spend"._ He cleared his throat “Here’s what we’re gonna do. I will GIVE you the house, Michael, as a wedding gift. You must promise to keep the same staff and pay them fairly including normal Christmas bonuses starting in two months. Mr.Fleming, I trust I can leave you with a sufficient amount to pay the staff till my cousin returns?”

  
Mr.Fleming nodded and began writing things out on a legal pad. Michael looked stunned “Gi..give me the house? Like, turn the title over to me, as a gift?”

  
Castiel nodded “That’s right. That way my conscience is clear and family are taking over the house. Who know’s, in a few years, maybe you can fill it with music again.”

  
Michael got up and wound Castiel in tight hug “Thank you! I won’t let you down, I promise. This house will be well and truly cared for and as you know, I think of the staff, especially Joshua, as a part of the family.”

  
Castiel had been there long enough, and his nerves were wrecked. He nodded, gave his lawyer the information about how much money to administer and to whom and his account number for the transfer of funds. He signed what seemed like far too many documents and finally he was out of that room. After he had slept, bright and early he was out of that house and getting back into Baby. Joshua came out carrying a case “Sir, I know you may never play again and maybe you won’t even open this case again but your father’s Cello belongs with his son.”

  
Castiel’s eyes brimmed with unshed tears. He gently accepted the case “Thank you, Joshua, you have been an asset to this family and I won’t forget your kindness.”

  
Joshua smiled “Have a safe trip, sir”

  
It wasn’t until Cas had been driving for about 2 hours, just listening to the road trip songs, that halluci-Dean popped back up. One minute Castiel was alone, the next Dean was riding shotgun. He grinned _“Hey, I forgive you”_ Then he winked at Castiel and leaned back in the seat.

  
Castiel laughed and shook his head. He said, “Step one, when I get back, see a therapist.”

  
Halluci-Dean just laughed.


	7. CONFESSIONS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a short chapter, but relevant.

The moment Castiel entered his doorway, he was met by Charlie giving him a hug. “How did it go?” She asked with a sensitivity bordering on pity in her eyes.

Castiel accepted the hug then stepped into the house. “Let's just say, It’s good to be back and I don’t really wanna talk about it.”

She nodded and gave him a thumbs up. “You got it, Casanova. So .. did you do anything exciting, at least, on the road trip? Did you  _ meet  _ anyone?”

Halluci-Dean leaned against the door jam. He raised his eyebrow questioning and grinned.

Castiel glanced at him, then back to Charlie. “Um .. nope, didn’t meet anyone but I did see some cool sites”

Halluci-Dean chuckled. Castiel pulled out his phone and showed Charlie the pictures he had taken on his trip.

Charlie laughed “Well, at least you saw some interesting attractions.”

Without thinking, Castiel said,”Yeah. Well, Dean said you should always stop at the silly attractions across the way. Makes the trip more fun.”

Charlie sighed, “Oh, Casanova...nevermind” She laughed “You wanna give me a ride home, I’m moving today. Someone gave me a raise and a VERY sizable bonus to cover move-in costs” she winked at Castiel.

Castiel was relieved she didn’t give him the “Dean’s not a real boy” speech. He grabbed his keys and took her home.

When he was back at his house and unpacked, He made himself a cup of coffee. He took the last tape in the box and his walkman and lay down on his bed. He flipped the case over and over in his hand. The case read : CONFESSIONS. Castiel glanced over at Halluci-Dean, who was leaning against the wall of his bedroom. “What do you think? Think I’m ready to know your deep, dark secrets?”

Halluci-Dean shrugged, “Why not? You know pretty much everything else about me.”

Castiel conceded his point. He took out the tape and put it into the walkman. Giving a deep outward sigh, he pushed play.

Dean’s voice on the tape gave a matching sigh, “ _ Okay … So, I wasn’t sure if I was even gonna put this tape in here. I mean, whoever you are, you probably don’t care about my secrets. Then I thought, fuck it. I mean, dying men ask for priests not really to be redeemed but just cause you kind of wanna go to your grave with a clear conscience. So, for this tape, just, like, pretend to be my priest.  _

_ If you’re still listening, I’m gonna assume you are ready to hear my confessions.  _ *He blew out a gust of air*  _ This might be harder than I thought. Right. So, I’m just gonna come right out the gate on a run. First thing is … I’m gay.” _

Castiel hit the pause button and sat straight up. He looked at Halluci-Dean with wide eyes. HD just shrugged, “Come on, are you really that surprised?”

Castiel flopped back onto the bed and hit play again.

_ Dean laughed. “Damn. That feels good to say out loud. I’ve never really told anyone that. I mean .. yeah there has been an occasional VERY discreet hook-up but no one who mattered. You see, I’m a marine .. don’t ask/don’t tell and all that but between you and me, I am. I tried not to be, even hooked up with a girl or two, but you can’t change who are, you know? So there’s that.  _

_ My next confession is, I blame myself for my mom’s pain. I know her and she’s a good woman. So, I know, if I’m dead, she is suffering. Besides the obvious blame that comes from going to war and getting myself killed, I also … kind of … made it impossible to move on after dad died. I don’t know, guess I figured she owed him something. So now, she is alone and raising Sammy on her own and it’s partially my fault. _

_ My last confession. I don’t wanna die. I have spent a lot of time recording all these tapes and leaving something behind in the event I do. Some might think I am prepared to die but that isn’t the same as wanting to. I don’t wanna bring you down if you are listening to these tapes but I think maybe, at this point, I just need to say it. I hope, in all honesty, I hope that these get stuck up in some basement cause I make it home. Maybe they go to some kid when I’m too old to drive baby anymore or I pull them out to listen to myself when I was young. What I really want, is to end out this term. Then go home, maybe come out to my mom, meet a nice guy and settle down. Maybe he has dark hair and light eyes, I always liked that combo. Maybe he plays music too, and we could play together. I don’t think he will be a soldier, not certain I could handle the strain. Either way, I don’t want a lot. Just a good man and to not die alone.”  _

Dean sniffled and Castiel wondered if he was crying.

_ “Anyway, if you're listening to this and I’m not an old man, you know I didn’t get that wish but thanks for listening. Also, if you see my mom, can you tell her I loved her very much and tell her … it’s okay to let go. Thanks.” _

The tape clicked off. It was literally the only one that didn’t have music on side 2. Castiel wiped his wet eyes. He looked around his room. Halluci-Dean was nowhere to be seen. “It’s just as well,” Cas thought, “I’m not sure I could look at his sad face right now”

A week later Castiel was driving through town. He slammed on his brakes in front of the greyhound bus stop. There was a man sitting there, with emerald green but vacant eyes. He looked so much like Dean in the pictures it took Castiel’s breath away. Cas thought he might be hallucinating again. Till the man slowly looked over and his face crept into a smile. He got up and walked over to Castiel. What he said next felt like a physical punch in the gut to Cas. He leaned on the window and said “Hey, this is my car”


	8. Alive and Well

Castiel squeezed his eyes shut tightly and opened them, thinking this was a hell of a hallucination, but the guy just stared at him. Finally, he said “Well?”

Castiel tilted his head to the side quizzically, “Well?”

The man laughed “You wanna tell me how you came to be driving my car?”

Cas forced his dry mouth to speak, “you .. um .. you’re .. what’s your name?”

The man chuckled again and shook his head, “Okay, buddy. My name’s Dean Winchester and..”

Cas cut him off, his voice was a pitch higher as he asked, “Sergeant Dean Winchester?”

Dean shook his head, “Not as of today. Just civilian Dean Winchester here, still waiting for an answer to my question”

Castiel dropped his head back against the seat “Holy shit! But .. you’re .. I mean you’re supposed to be” he trailed off, then collected his thoughts. “Actually, I’m kind of parked in the middle of the street. Let me just pull over and talk to you.”

Dean ran around to the passenger side and got in the car. “No offense but I don’t want you making a run for it with my Baby.”

Cas pulled out of the intersection “Believe me, nothing could be further from my mind” He pulled into the first available parking lot and turned off the car.

He turned toward Dean, "Alright, where should I begin. My name Is Castiel Novak. I bought this car from your mom."

Dean's eyes got larger, "My mom! Why the hell would she sell me car ... unless" Recognition dawned in his eyes "Oh, man."

Castiel's heart was in his throat. Here was the man he had been dreaming about and hearing all about for a little over a year and he was alive and breathing. "Hey, I don't mean to pry but do you know how long you were gone?"

Dean shook his head. No, not really, I think they were trying to suss that out but once I got debriefed, I was on the first bus home."

Cas nodded, "Alright. Well, I can tell you this much. It has been over a year, for sure. Because I have had Baby that long."

Dean rubbed his hand over his mouth "A year? God, she must have thought I was dead."

Cas rubbed the back of his own hand to prevent himself from reaching for Dean. "She, um, she does think that. I know because that's the only reason she sold your car. The official story is .. you were 'assumed dead' for a bit, then they found the ambulance that has transported you and some other soldiers. It was, I can't recall but I think it had blown up. The next letter your mother received was to inform her, they didn't assume anymore, they knew. According to the United States Marine Corp, you were officially dead."

Dean raised his eyebrow, "She told you all this? A virtual stranger?"

Castiel slightly smiled, "It was, by far, the weirdest interview ever. She asked me a whole lot of questions. Some of them about my finances and relationship status and some that were just odd, like did I prefer cd's or cassettes, Elvis or Beatles, that kind of thing. To explain why all of this was important, she told me about you and how important Baby had been to you."

Dean gently rubbed his hand over Baby's dash, "Yeah. This is my girl. You keep calling her 'Baby', how did you know that's her name?"

Castiel couldn't meet Dean's gaze. Then it occurred to Dean, "Oh! The tapes ... oooh, how many did you get through before you gave up?"

Castiel said quietly, "All of them."

Dean widened his eyes, then pursed his lips approvingly. "All of them, huh? Well, shit. Guess you're a fan."

Castiel shook his head vehemently, "Oh, no .. it wasn't like that. I just .. thought it was the right thing to do, you know, out of respect."

Dean shrugged, "Alright. So, you clearly don't have that much of a social life. So, how long did it take you?"

Castiel did not want to be having this conversation with Dean, about his obsession WITH Dean., "I just listened to the last one ... last week."

Dean raised an eyebrow “Oh yeah? Which one was ‘the last one’?”

Castiel cleared his throat, “Confessions.”

Dean nodded, “Huh. I would have thought someone would listen to that one first. Why was that the last one, Cas-something or other”

Castiel laughed, “Cas is fine”

Dean quirked his lip, “Well, yes he is. I like his eyes.”

Castiel’s eyes widened. “That’s not... I mean.. I didn’t mean..”

Dean laughed, tossing his head back, just as Castiel always imagined he would do. “Sorry, I had to fuck with you. I mean, thanks to that tape, you’re the only person who knows I’m gay.Sorry if I freaked you out.”

Castiel shook his head, “No. You didn’t freak me out. I’m gay too. So, I guess I was a good match for Baby.”

Dean’s face got serious, “You know I’m gonna want her back.”

Cas nodded, and rubbed her steering wheel, “I assumed as much.”

Dean watched with fascination, “I’m sorry, man. You have taken real good care of her and it’s clear you love her, too. For what it’s worth, that means a lot to me. Guess mom chose well.”

Dean looked out of the side window, his eyes seeming to drift to another place. Castiel finally spoke again, “Do you want to go home, Dean? Your family will be elated that you’re alive and well.”

Dean nodded but kept looking out at the street. So, Castiel started the car and drove him home. When they got there he gave Dean his contact info so they could discuss Dean getting Baby back. 

Castiel was driving home silently when Halluci-Dean popped up in the passenger seat “Well, that went well.”

Castiel shook his head, Knowing now he really did have a problem. This Dean was definitely a hallucination, but, Cas thought  _ “He’s  _ **_my_ ** _ hallucination” _

 


	9. Now What?

Castiel returned home and flopped on the couch. He tossed his arm over part of his face. “How the hell am I supposed to deal with this?” He asked the ceiling.

  
Charlie popped her head around the corner. She must have shown up to clean since she had a dust rag in her hand. She put her hand on her hip, “Deal with what, Cassanova?”

Castiel blew out a gust of air. He rubbed the bridge of his nose and said through gritted teeth “Dean’s alive”

  
Charlie shook her head, “I’m sorry, what? I could have sworn you just said Dean is alive and, no offense, but for the sake of your sanity, I hope you’re referring to a different Dean.”

  
Castiel continued to stare at the ceiling. He shook his head, “Nope. Same Dean. Dean from the tapes. I just met him, he’s alive.”

  
Charlie slid into the closest chair. Her eyes wide like saucers, “He’s alive? But … how? I mean … what?”

  
Castiel slightly chuckled, “Yeah, I know. So, now I don’t know what to do. I guess I’ll have to sell him his car back, for starters.”

  
Suddenly Charlie squealed and jumped up, pumping her fist in the air. “This is great! Don’t you see … you won’t have to be alone anymore. You just have to get to know him and…”

  
Castiel sat up abruptly, “And nothing, Charlie. He doesn’t know me from Adam. I’m just a stranger who is driving his car and has way too much information about him. No way is he gonna want to be anywhere near me.”

  
Charlie sighed, “Oh Cassanova, you’re such a defeatist. Okay, well, you think about it. I’m gonna get back to work.”

  
No sooner had she rounded the corner did Haluci-Dean popped up. He leaned against the entertainment center with his arms crossed over his chest, “She’s right you know. It is pretty crazy to be here, talking to me, when you have the real deal just down the street.”

  
Castiel didn’t reply. He got up, went to his room and shut the door behind him.

  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Later that evening around two in the morning Castiel was woken up to the sound of someone pounding on his front door. With his heart in his throat and adrenalin kicked up to full blast in his body, he tugged the door open. To his surprise and confusion, Dean was outside, leaning heavily on the door jam.  
Dean smiled a lopsided grin, “Heeey. You. I uh .. okay, so this may sound weird but like, can I come inside?”

  
Castiel thought for sure he must still be asleep. He extended his finger and lightly poked Dean in the chest. The body in front of him felt real to the touch. So, why was the “real Dean” standing on his doorstep at two am? At a loss, he stepped back and allowed Dean to walk into the house. Although, "walk" was a strong term since Dean was clearly drunk and part stumbling/part swaying with each step. He finally made it to the couch and slid gratefully into it.

  
Without really giving it a lot of thought, Castiel pulled a chair over and sat on it backward. He leaned on the back of the chair and asked Dean, “So, you wanna tell me what happened?”

  
Dean blew a raspberry and laid his head back on the couch. “Not really but I guess I owe you that for lettin’ me in at all. I kind of got into a fight with my mom.”

  
Castiel tilted his head to the side, “Why would you do that? What could you possibly have fought about hours after she found out her son was alive?”

  
Dean rubbed his eyes, “Hey, look, I’m pretty wasted right now and you seem to know like everything that I’ve missed, so it seemed logical to come here. But, I gotta tell ya Cas, I’m not really up for talkin’. Cool if I just crash here tonight and I will tell you everything tomorrow?”

  
Castiel had no social skills to prepare him for the proper etiquette in this situation. He finally slapped both his thighs to indicate he had made a decision.

“Alright, here’s the deal. You can stay the night and crash on my couch but you have to call your mom and let her know where you’re at. If I had just found out someone I loved was back from the dead and then they disappeared on me again, I’d be losing my mind.”

  
He handed his phone to Dean who nodded and hit the contact “Car Lady” that Cas indicated. When Castiel heard Dean say “mom?” He went off to get him a blanket and pillow.

  
Halluci-Dean chose that moment to appear, “Wow. You know what I call this? Divine intervention.”

  
Castiel rolled his eyes and pulled out his second comforter from the closet. He whispered, “No. This is a shit-storm. What the hell happened?”

  
HD shrugged, “Don’t ask me, I’m just the voice of your mental breakdown.”

  
Castiel hissed, “You’re no help.”He grabbed one of the pillows off his bed and huffed back into the living room.

  
Dean had just hung up the phone when he returned. He handed it back to Cas, “Thanks, man. You’re a pretty good dude.”

  
Castiel scoffed, “Thanks. Anyway, here. Get some sleep. I guess .. we can talk tomorrow.”

  
Dean tucked the pillow under his head and promptly fell asleep. Castiel stared at him for a moment, unsure what to do next. Finally, he tugged Deans shoes off and slid his legs onto the couch. Then he covered him with a blanket. He let his hand rest for a second on Dean’s shoulder. “Goodnight, Dean. Sleep well.”

Castiel was just drifting off when he heard shouting coming from the other room. He rushed out to find Dean flailing on the couch. He was shouting for all his might, “Benny!! God Damn Benny, get the fuck down!”

  
He waved his hands around and launched himself off the couch. Still asleep and face down on the carpet he shouted his friends name mournfully, “Benny! Nooooo!”

  
Castiel approached him and shook his shoulder. Dean came awake with a start, shoving Castiel back away from him. Castiel waved his hands defensively in front of him, “Hey. Hey, it’s okay. You were dreaming.”

  
Dean put his head in his hands, “Fuck” He climbed back on the couch and lay down. “I swear, I can’t sleep for shit.”

  
For some reason, Castiel’s eyes wandered to his violin sitting in the corner of the room. He grabbed it, sat down in the chair across from the couch, took a deep breath and closed his eyes. With shaking hands, he rested it against his chin. He swallowed a few times then began to play Hey, Jude by The Beatles. He chanced a look over to Dean. Dean’s features were relaxing and his breathing growing more shallow. Finally, he drifted back to sleep. Castiel eased the violin from his chin. He let his hands drop gently by his side. With violin and bow still grasped, he let his head fall forward and he cried.  
After a few minutes, he went back to his room. Thankfully the rest of the night passed without incident.

* * *

 

Morning reared it's ugly head far to early for Castiel's sleep deprived state. The first thing he noticed was the glare of sunlight beaming onto his face from the window. The next thin he noticed was the smell of food. Someone was cooking, in his house. He got up and stumbled to the kitchen. He didn't care that he was wearing just boxer shorts or that his hair was probably a total mess. As he rounded the corner into the kitchen his senses kicked up a notch. Dean was standing there, barefoot, in just his jeans, cooking. He smiled a dazzling white grin, "Heya. I figured you were cool enough to let me crash so I'd make breakfast. Turns out, you didn't have anything in the house, so I took Baby and went to the store. Coffee?" He extended a mug of steaming coffee toward Castiel, which he took gratefully.

Castiel went to the cabinet and added creamer and sugar then gratefully took a sip. "This is really good. Thank you, Dean. So .. um .. what are you cooking?" He leaned in a bit closer than necessary over Dean's shoulder to peer in the pan.

Dean looked back and their mouths were nearly touching. He licked his bottom lip before speaking "Denver omelet. I hope you're hungry."

Castiel took a step back and inhaled then exhaled slowly. That was a bit too close for him to handle. He nodded and walked over to the table "Sounds good. What exactly is it?"

Dean laughed, "It's just bell peppers, onions, ham and cheese in an egg pocket" He placed the two omelets on plates and brought them to the table. Then he poured two glasses of orange juice and set them down. He sat across from Castiel. "Dig in."

Castiel tasted a bite, it was really good. He swallowed the piece he had eaten. "Thank you, Dean. This is very kind of you."

Dean smiled around a mouth full of food. He took a swig of black coffee. "Don't mention it. It's the least I could do for you letting me stay here."

Castiel cleared his throat, "About that, you wanna tell me what happened now?"

Dean wiped his mouth and pushed his already empty plate away. "Yeah. Okay. So, it turns out my mom is seeing my uncle Bobby."

Castiel nodded, "I knew that. Well, I knew she was seeing someone, not who."

Dean laughed to himself, "Of course you did. Well, I didn't know. Bobby was one of my dad's closest friends, not really my uncle, but that's what we always called him. I don't know, seeing them there, together, holding hands and whispering to each other. It just felt ... wrong, somehow. Like dad didn't mean shit. I guess I couldn't handle it. So we fought and I walked out."

Castiel laid his fork down and leaned on the table. "Dean. I know it's not my place but on the tapes, you did say you wanted her to move on, to be happy."

Dean shook his head in amazement, "Wow. You really did listen to all those tapes didn't you?"

Castiel nodded, "Yes, I really did."

Dean blew out a gust of air, "Let me let you in on a little secret Cas, Those tapes ... Imagine if you thought you were gonna die. You would want your last words and thoughts to be the best version of yourself, right? Well, that's what those are. I'm sorry to have to tell you, the real me isn't so forgiving or wise."

Castiel stared at Dean for a moment. Then he smiled as if he were in on a joke. "I'm sorry but I don't accept that answer. It's easy to say 'that wasn't me' now that you are alive. I think it was very much, you. I think, in the moments you think are your last, that's when you realize you can be nothing but honest. You don't have the liberty to skate the truth or mince words. I'm not saying it's easy and in fact, it might be easier to hide behind your guard now that you are alive, I'm just saying that the Dean Winchester who made that tape wanted his mother to move on and be happy. You didn't want to be the selfish kid you had been when it came to her ability to finally let your dad go, you wanted to be a man. You wanted to say 'fuck it, live your life Mom.' and personally, I think you should listen to that Dean because from what I have seen, she might not have made it through your dad's death and then yours without this guy and Sam definitely wouldn't have."

Dean ran his hand through his hair, "Damn. You always this good at making people in your life feel guilty?"

Castiel gathered the plates off the table and took them to the sink. "I..um..don't really have people in my life. There's just me and sometimes Charlie. Charlie talks a lot and might be the only other person I talk to in an entire week." Cas shrugged.

Dean rubbed his jaw, "Ah. So .. is Charlie, like, your boyfriend?"

Castiel laughed "No. Charlie is a friend and a woman. She keeps my house from falling apart. I'm not great at cleaning."

Dean apparently decided to change the subject. He leaned against the counter next to Castiel "That was nice of you to play that song for me last night. No doubt you knew what it meant to me. How'd you learn to play like that?"

Castiel cleared his throat, "I just have always been able to play, ever since I was a child."

Dean whistled, "That's quite a talent. You play often?"

Castiel dried his hands, he uttered one word and left the kitchen. "No." 

Dean was persistent. He followed Castiel into the living room. "Come on, Cas. Don't be like that. You know all about me, I'm just curious about you."

Castiel turned abruptly to face him, "Why? Why are you curious, Dean? What do you want from me?"

Dean raised his eyebrow. "Easy, Cas. It was just a question. I ... I don't know what I want. Answers maybe."

Castiel stepped into Dean's space. They were inches apart and facing each other. "Answers? Like what kind of answers?"

Dean licked his bottom lip. He touched Castiel's shoulder, "Like ... what made you keep listening? Why did you care?"

Just then the front door smacked open. Charlie let out a gasp at seeing her boss standing intimately close to another man. "Whoa! Cassanova ... who's the hunk?"

Castiel cleared his throat and stepped away from Dean. "Uh ... Charlie, this is Dean." 

Charlie's mouth fell open, "Holy shit! This is Dean.. the Dean .." Cas covered her mouth with his hand and told Dean he would be right back. He tugged Charlie into the back room.

He eased his hand from her mouth. "Okay. Yes, it's THE Dean. It's also not what you think. He showed up here last night and I let him sleep on the couch. No, nothing happened. Now, will you please, for the love of god, try and not make me look crazy? Just .. be cool. Okay?"

Charlie burst out laughing, "This is better than I thought. He slept over? First day back in the land of the living and he ends up here? Oh! Casanova, this is fate, destiny, kismet."

Castiel rolled his eyes and walked out of the room. He went back into the living room. "Dean, anything she says is tainted with too many rom-coms. I take no responsibility for her words or actions."

Dean smiled the most charming of smiles and extended his hand. "You must be Charlie, Cas has told me a bit about you."

Charlie shook his hand. She grinned widely. "Yes, he's told me a _bit_ about you, too. Sargent Dean Winchester."  
  


Dean raised one eyebrow at Castiel. He addressed Charlie "Actually, it's just Dean Winchester now. I'm not in the service anymore. So, tell me, Charlie, why would Cas here play me a beautiful song on his violin last night and then refuse to talk about it?"

Charlie's head whipped around to Castiel. Pure shock evident, "You did what? You ...  _played?_ Oh ... Castiel" Her words were soft. Ignoring Dean's confusion she went over and hugged Castiel. "You okay?"

Cas nodded and let her hug him. He spoke barely above a whisper "Can you get him to drop it, please."

Charlie nodded once, "Right." She turned back to Dean "So, I'll sum it up and you let it go. Cool? Great. Castiel here hasn't picked up an instrument in nearly two years because of .. erm.. personal reasons. Not sure why he played last night but consider yourself lucky. Also, don't bank on it happening again anytime soon. Okay? Great! Let's talk about something else. Why are you here at seven in the morning, half dressed?"

Dean looked down at his body. He had forgotten that he was only wearing jeans. "I ... um .. actually, I should be going. Thanks, Cas. I'll see ya around."

He walked past them and began gathering his clothes from the living room. Castiel spoke up, "Do you need a ride, Dean?"

Dean laughed, "No, I need my car but givin' the circumstances, yeah, a ride would be great. Thanks."

Charlie nodded "Okay, I'm just gonna go ... do my job now." She shuffled off to the kitchen. Castiel heard her mumble something about 'breakfast for two' but he ignored her and went to get dressed.

He dropped Dean off at his mother's house. Before exiting the car, Castiel stopped Dean. "I'll give you Baby back. I can only imagine how much you've missed her. Just give me one more day to say goodbye."

Dean rested his hand on Castiel's leg, "I love that you love her but, yeah, I miss my girl. Thank you for understanding."

Castiel nodded "You made sure I understood, on the tapes."

Dean smiled "I guess I did. See you tomorrow Cas."

Dean got out and headed to the front door. Castiel rubbed the steering wheel "I'm sure gonna miss you, Baby"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. Babe I'm Gonna Leave You

Castiel drove Baby out to the place she had first broken down on him. He parked her and pulled out his box of tapes. "One last time for the road, Baby?" He popped the first tape in and memories assaulted him as soon as he heard the first sentence "Hi, there. My names Seargent Dean Winchester..."

He shook his head and ran his hands over the smooth leather of the seat, "Guess you're not an orphan anymore sweetheart."

He listened to all the tapes, late into the night on the side of that road. He occasionally started the car so he wouldn't drain her battery. When he was done, he had made a decision. He smiled as he started her up and drove home. Halluci-Dean popped up in the passenger seat "Wow, Cas, didn't know you had it in you" Castiel shook his head "Yes you did." H-Dean laughed "Yeah, I did."

 

* * *

 

 

The next day Castiel found himself sitting awkwardly in Mary Winchesters living room; again. This time though Mary wasn't sad. In fact, she was beaming. "Castiel, you don't know how much this means to Dean! I'm sorry you need to return the car but we have no problem buying it back from you. I'm just.." her voice choked for a second. "I'm so glad to have him home and safe"

Castiel put on his best smile, "I assure you, I'm quite aware of what Baby means to Dean, Mrs. Winchester. Speaking of Dean, um, where did you say he was again?"

Just then Dean entered the room, "Right behind you, Bud." He clasped Castiel on the shoulder as he jovially sat down. Castiel was glad that Dean looked happier than he had the night before. 

 

Castiel gave a nod by way of greeting. He couldn't stop himself from grinning a bit wider. Every time he saw Dean, felt like a miracle. "Dean. Good to see you. So, as I was about to tell your mother I am not selling you back the car."

 

The twin looks of shock and disbelief on Dean and Mary's faces were priceless. Castiel laughed, "What I mean is, I'm  _giving_ you the car. She's your baby Dean and it isn't fair that you would have to purchase her to get her back. I'll think of the last year as a really great rental. Now I know what you're thinking but let me stop any protests. I recently came into a very sizable inheritance and I can afford to do this for you."

 

Dean whistled through his teeth, "Alright. I'll give you that but the real question ain't if you can afford it but why would you do it? I mean, you hardly know me."

 

Castiel inclined his head and looked at Dean, maybe a bit too endearingly, "That's not exactly true and even if it were true it wouldn't matter because I know Baby. That car is special and she deserves to be back with you."

 

Maybe Dean wanted to remove this conversation from Mary's ears or maybe he just wanted to get out of the house, either way, he suggested, "Why don't we take a drive?"

 

Castiel was all too happy to accept. As they approached the Impala Castiel tossed Dean the keys. The moment his fingers closed around them you could see the tension in his body start to ease. Once in the car, Dean started her up. To Castiel's horror, he realized he had left one of the Dean tapes in the cassette player. Luckily it had been flipped over to the music side. Dean heard the song than arched his eyebrow toward Castiel, "I know this one. It's my Zepplin mix. Good choice." He turned up the radio and grinned at Castiel. Cas breathed out a sigh of relief. 

The words to the song _Babe I'm Gonna Leave You_ washed over Castiel. He barely noticed Dean pull into an abandoned lot. Dean finally turned down the radio, "Cas...you okay?"

Castiel looked up and a tear trickled from his eye. He cleared the frog forming in his throat, "Yeah...it was just...the song hit a little close today."

Dean seemed to see him for the first time since they had met. He breathed out a puff of air, "I swear, no one's ever loved her as much as me, 'til you."

Castiel tried to smile and nodded. He felt Dean's hand cup his chin and he was powerless to resist as Dean closed the distance between them and kissed him. A thousand choirs of angels began to sing in Castiel's head. Instinct kicked in as he tugged Dean closer and kissed him back with a fervor he hardly knew he possessed. When they broke apart, Dean nearly gasped. "G'damn Cas. That was some kiss."

Castiel ran his hand over his mouth in awe. He tilted his head slightly and stared at Dean, "Why, why did you do that?"

Dean shrugged, "Cause I knew you wouldn't."

Castiel couldn't help but chuckle, "Well, I guess that's an answer."

Dean's eyes seemed to bore into Castiel's, "Cas... I um, I haven't" He rubbed the back of his own neck. "I haven't, you know, been with anyone in a long time. I been sorta dead, you know."

Castiel raised his eyebrows, "I can assure you, it has been... a very long time for me too. It's alright, I understand your hesitance."

Dean half-laughed running his hand over his eyes, "Yeah, that's what I'm tryin' to say. I ain't hesitant. Like, at all. You feel me?"

Realization dawned on Castiel, "Oh.OH... um... okay I see what you're saying."

Dean rested his hand on Castiel's thigh, "Do you, you know, see what I'm sayin'? Cas, spend the night with me."

Castiel swallowed the lump in his throat. Of course, Halluci-Dean picked that moment to pop up in the backseat. "Dude! That escalated quickly!"

Castiel willed his mind to focus and make H-Dean disappear. Gratefully, it worked. He moistened his lips, "Are you sure that's wise, Dean?"

Dean chuckled, "I ain't sure of anything Buddy but I sure do like the idea of it. " He seemed to pause for a moment, "Unless, hey maybe I read the signs wrong. It's totally cool if you're not into me."

 

It was Castiel's turn to laugh. He replied with total honesty, "Are you kidding me? Anyone with a heartbeat would be into you."

Dean grinned, "In that case... whattaya say?"

Cas breathed out slowly, "I say... not yet. Maybe I'm old-fashioned or maybe I'm just scared but .. I think you need to make that decision based on getting to know me. Not because 'it's been a while' or because you're grateful to have Baby back."

Dean's smile was slow as he nodded, "You keep surprisin' me Cas. I think I like that. Alright, I'll hold off tryin' to jump your bones. So, you wanna grab a burger or somethin'?"

Castiel smiled, "I'd like that."

Dean started the car back up and turned up the radio. As the song _Fool In The Rain_ played, he grinned and flirtatiously raised and lowered his eyebrows.

 _Well there's a light in your eye that keeps shining_  
Like a star that can't wait for night  
I hate to think I been blinded baby  
Why can't I see you tonight?  
And the warmth of your smile starts a burning  
And the thrill of your touch gives me fright  
And I'm shaking so much, really yearning  
Why don't you show up and make it alright,

Castiel laughed out loud and sang along.

* * *

 

Sitting in the burger joint, Dean took a giant bite of his burger and moaned, "God, I missed these!" He washed down the bite with a huge gulp of his chocolate milkshake. "So, Cas. I know I'm not supposed to ask about why you don't play anymore. So instead I'll ask ya this. If you never play, how come you made an exception for me?"

Castiel scrunched up his face in thought. He wiped his mouth with a napkin. "I'm not sure it'll make sense to you. I guess ... I thought you needed to hear it more than my need not to play."

Dean made a hmm sound and took another bite of his burger. "You're a mystery, Cas. Well, for what it's worth, it was beautiful and I hope someday you'll be willin' to tell me why you would walk away from it. 'specially since I can tell you love music as much as I do."

Castiel nodded, "Yes, maybe someday Dean."

Dean chuckled "K, subject closed I guess. Well, what can you tell me about you? You know pretty much everything about me."

"Alright, Dean, I suppose that's fair. I haven't lived here, in Kansas long, only a couple years. I don't work because I have family money. I recently went on a road trip (that you suggested in one of your tapes) to sell my home in NewYork."

Dean smiled, "You take pictures on your road trip?"

Castiel was a little embarrassed, "Yes I did. I also went to places I normally wouldn't. I 'saw the attractions' as you put it. I um, have the pictures on my phone if you'de like to see them."

Dean grinned and shuffled over to Castiel's side of the booth. Speaking only inches from him he said, "Yeah, I'd like to see 'em."

Dean's close proximity made Castiel's whole body heat up but he pulled out his phone and began showing Dean the rainbow tree and the largest ball of paint and the other places and things he had seen on his journey. Dean commented here and there adding his input about the pictures they were viewing. It was all going very well until Dean asked innocently, "So if you were sellin' your family home, where are your parents?"

Castiel took an immediate inhale of breath like he had been punched. He responded, "You know, Dean, you have an uncanny ability to touch on subjects I'd rather not talk about."

Dean put his hand on Castiel's shoulder, "Hey, you can trust me. You know all my deep dark secrets. I'm just tryin' to get to know you, Cas. Is it bad? Like, do you guys not talk anymore?"

Castiel shook his head but had to close his eyes to cover the pain. He heard the concern in Dean's voice, "Cas?"

Castiel thought, "Fuck it" He forced himself to look at Dean. Taking a deep breath he whispered, "No. We don't talk anymore because..." He shook his head rapidly, "I.. I can't, I have to go." He scooted out of the booth on the other side and stood up.

Dean tried to stop him, "Cas, come on. Sit back down. I'm sorry okay?"

Castiel just shook his head again, He tossed down money on the table to cover the check. "No...It's not you... I really can't. I'll see you later Dean." He heard Dean call to him again as he hurried out of the restaurant.

A couple blocks down he stepped into an alley and leaned against the wall. "Stupid, stupid, stupid," He spoke to himself, "Why can't I get a handle on this? I thought I had dealt with it. Why is it affecting me so strongly now?"

Halluci-Dean spoke quietly to him, "Sooner or later, you're gonna have to talk about this. Clearly, it's messin' you up."

Castiel rubbed his eyes, "What do you know? You're not even here."

At H-Dean's soft reply, "What do you mean? Of course, I'm here" Castiel was suddenly uncertain if this was a hallucination or not. Then, he was pulled into a hug and he was very aware that this was actually Dean. 

Castiel said into Dean's shoulder, "Dean, my parents... they're dead."

Dean's voice stayed soft, "Oh...shit. I'm so fuckin' sorry, Cas"

Castiel couldn't handle any more than that. Without even knowing he had begun, he wept in Dean's comforting arms. After a while he dried his eyes and attempted a laugh, "I'm guessing this isn't how you saw tonight going?"

Dean put his arm around Castiel's shoulder, "Come on, let's get outta here."

He drove Castiel back to Castiel's house and parked. He ushered him into the house and into his room. Cas looked up at Dean but before he could protest Dean said "It's cool. I'm not tryin' anything. We can just lay here, together, okay?"

Castiel nodded. He removed his shoes and shirt and allowed Dean to crawl into the bed beside him. Dean pulled him into his arms and kissed his forehead, "Sleep Cas, I'm right here."

As Castiel was drifting off he mumbled, "Call your mom."

Dean chuckled quietly, "I will. I promise. Sleep."

Castiel did sleep. Safe in Dean's arms. A fact he would only admit to himself, there was nowhere else he would rather be in all the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just had to put Cas safe in Deans' arms after last weeks episode. Hope you'll forgive me.


	11. It's... Not What It Looks Like

"O...MG!" Charlies squeal woke Castiel with a start. He leapt from the bed, covered her mouth with his hand and nearly dragged her from the room. 

“Shhhhh! You’ll wake him up.” Castiel whispered as soon as they were in the living room. 

Charlies eyes bugged. As soon as Cas took his hand from her mouth she began animatedly whispering, “Holy shit Cas-a-nova. You totally have a real life, hot dude in your bed!”

Castiel let out a dramatic sigh and headed into the kitchen. “ I need coffee. You are far too chipper this morning.”

Charlie beamed, unfazed, “ oh yeah, I totally already made it but you’re not getting out of this. I want every detail and it better be good.”

They both turned sharply as someone cleared their throat loudly from the doorway. Charlie shrugged and whispered to Cas, “woops. Guess I woke him.”

Dean folded his arms across his bare chest and leaned against the door jamb. “mornin’. I hope there’s coffee in my immediate future.” 

Cas stepped past Charlie and handed Dean a cup of black coffee. He said quietly, “I trust you slept well?” 

Deans face softened, “ Best sleep I’ve had in while. You okay?”

Charlie hummed the starwars theme until they both were looking at her, she grinned “oh! Don’t mind me. I’ll just wait till one of you tells me what went down last night”

Dean chuckled and said to Cas, “ Is she like this any time you have a guy around?”

Cas cleared his throat. He rubbed the back of his neck., “ I uhm... I wouldn’t know. This is the first time she’s ever seen me with someone.”

Dean raised his eyebrow, “Oh, my bad, I assumed she’d been working for you for a while.” 

Charlie nodded, she emphasized her words, “ Yep! Five years now. So.. yeah...”

Cas took Charlie by the arm and walked her to the door, “ Well, it was nice of you to stop by Charlie, sorry you gotta be running off so soon.”

Charlie laughed. She hugged Cas and whispered in his ear, “ you are SO telling me what happened later.” 

Cas nodded and closed the door. It was only after she drove off that Castiel realized his mistake. He was now alone with Dean and had no idea what to say. 

Dean took his coffee to the living room and sat on the couch. “ So...  you, uh... don’t get out much, then” 

Cas sat next to him. “Well.. after my parents... you know. Not really.” 

Dean wanted to get Cas’ mind away from sad things. He smiled, “ Well, then, guess that makes me pretty special” 

Castiel met his eyes, “ You are.” 

Dean licked his lip, He set his coffee down“ Uh, I should, I should probably go ...  “ 

Cas shook his head. He looked at his own hands folded in his lap. “ It’s alright Dean. You don’t have to make excuses. You can leave. It’s awkward, I understand” 

Dean furrowed his brow. “ I don’t think you do, Cas. I don’t think I should go because you somehow made it awkward by showing emotion. I think I should go because, well, I really wanna kiss you right now and that probably makes me an insensitive jerk.”

Cas gave a little laugh, “ probably” He said. Then he reached over and pulled Dean’s face into a kiss. 

Dean shifted back on the couch and pulled Cas onto his lap where he was straddling him. He deepened the kiss. Cas let out a little moan. 

The front door opened. Charlie exclaimed “oh! um, shit! I forgot my..” she halfway covered her eyes grabbing blindly at the kitchen table till her hand closed around a cellphone. “ Just, you know, carry on, as you were, sorry.” She backed into the door turned around and hurried out. 

As the door closed both men looked at eachother and burst out laughing. Dean was the first to speak, he chuckled “ So I’m guessing the mood is sort of killed. How bout some breakfast?” 

Castiel slid off Deans lap still giggling, “ Don’t suppose she’ll accept the excuse it wasn’t what it looked like?”

Dean laughed again as he headed into the kitchen. 

 

After breakfast Dean had to leave to go reassure his mom he was unharmed after not returning home the night before. Once he was gone Castiel sat down to think. His concentration was disrupted by halluci-Dean. He was sure it wasn’t the real Dean this time since he appeared with his head lying in Castiels lap. “Well, Cas old buddy, what in hell do you plan to do now?”

Castiel told himself to ignore him. He stood up and HD fell to the floor. A moment later however he was leaning against the wall. “ Hey now. You know you can’t really ignore me. I mean, I am obviously a manifestation of your inner psyche trying to tell you ..”

Cas turned around “ Shut up! Okay, just shut up. Are you aware how insane I am that i’m having these VIVID hallucinations?”

Dean raised his eyebrow, “ Im gonna assume that was a rhetorical question. Because obviously if i’m just a piece of your brain then of course I would know that it’s nuts for you to be standing around talking to me. Question is, what do you plan to do about it and also why are you still seeing me? Answer, unrealistic unexpectations. You need to see me because real Dean is a hot mess and you have no idea how to deal with him. I, on the other hand, am easy to talk to and you know all about me.”

Cas rubbed his brow, “ That’s all probably true. But I think it’s even simpler then that. You don’t exist therefore you can’t die and leave me alone.” 

HalluciDean looked at Cas sadly, “ but Cas, you’re already alone.” 

He faded away leaving Cas staring at a blank wall in an empty house.  He shook his head, picked up the phone and called Charlie. When she answered he said “ Okay, come over. I’ll tell you everything”

 

An hour later Charlie sat with her mouth half opened blinking rapidly “ Okay, lemme see if I understand. You got those tapes when you bought the car. After a while you started seeing and talking to what you thought was the ghost of Dean. Then Dean turns out not to be dead and, because of the car and the tapes you end up hitting it off and even though he has slept over a few times now y’all still haven’t gotten busy. Oh and you’re somehow still hallucinating this perfect version of Dean?” 

Cas nodded, “ Yeah . That pretty much covers it. So, as my only friend and one person I can trust with this info, what’s your advice?” 

Charlie pretended to mull it over, she nodded her head, “ Yep! Only one thing you can do, your just gonna have to sleep with him.”

“Charlie!” Cas yelled exasperated 

She giggled, “ Okay, okay, seriously though, I don’t know. Do you think this has something to do with... you know, your other thing” 

Cas pursed his lips. “ You mean my parents.” 

Charlie shrugged, “ Well... sort of. I mean... don’t get mad but... your music.” 

Cas cleared his throat and looked away, “yeah, I don’t really wanna..”

Charlie interrupted, “ Come on Castiel. Now is not the time to shut down. You have a potentially very serious problem. If it’s not that other thing and it’s not a ghost then it could be a brain tumor”

Cas mimicked Arnold Schwartsniger in Kindergarten Cop “ It’s not a tuma’!”

Charlie smiled. “ Okay then, consider me a super cheap therapist. Let’s try and talk about the big M.” 

Castiel ran his hands down his face, “ maybe some other time...”

”Cas!” Charlie yelled. 

Castiel yelled back, “ Fine! Music was my LIFE! It was all that consumed me, the only thing that made me happy. And while I was performing, my fucking parents died! They died Charlie, okay? They died and I wasn’t with them because my damned music was more important than going  on that trip with them.” His voice softened “ How can I possibly play now?” 

Charlie shook her head. She touched his knee, “ Oh, sweetheart, how can you not? You’re parents loved you and they were so proud of you. I’m 100% sure if they were given the choice they would absolutely pick you being at that concert doing what you love over their little boy dying  on that plane with them.”

Cas took a deep breath, “ well, even still, it’s not exactly like I have anything joyful to play about.” 

Charlie shrugged, “Then play something sad. Let yourself finally mourn, Cas, so you can heal.”

Cas half smiled, “Thanks, C.C.” 

Charlie smiled, “ I do what I can Casanova.” 

 

Charlie left Cas in his music room closing the door behind him. Castiel walked over and sat at the piano. He took a few deep breaths. As his fingers touched the ivory keys, he felt a pull on his heart. He began to play a medley and started singing

“ I hope you never lose your sense of wonder.

Get your feel to eat but always keep that hunger. 

May you never take one single breath for granted” 

Castiels mind drifted into the past. He sat at a grand piano. His legs dangling from the bench. He played a song and his mother sat beside him singing. He could still hear her voice and feel her arm around him. She sang I hope you dance. As Cas sang he heard her. 

“ god forbid love ever leave you empty handed 

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean 

whenever one door closes I hope one more opens 

promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance 

and when you get the choice to sit it out ir dance

I hope you dance 

I hope you dance” 

Cas stopped playing. His fingers slid from the keyboard. He didn’t even try to wipe the tears from his eyes. He just let them fall onto the piano. 

Hallucidean sat down on the bench beside him. “ I think it’s time I go, Cas” 

Castiel shook his head no

HD looked sad “ Come on, you don’t need me anymore. It’s time you rejoin the real world.” 

Cas wiped the tears from his eyes and sniffled, “ The real world is ugly” 

Hallucidean shrugged, “ Yeah but it’s also awesome and more importantly, it’s real.” 

Cas put his head in his hands. He squeezed his eyes shut. Taking a deep breath he said, “ okay. You’re not real. You’re not real. You’re not real.” 

When he looked up hallucidean was gone and Cas knew he wasn’t coming back. He felt calmer somehow and the tears had dried. He got up from the piano and walked over to his dads guitar. He slid his hand over the cool wood and slipped the strap around his neck. As he pulled the pick out from the strings he heard a light knock on the door. Dean peeked his head in, “ Charlie let me in, can I come in?” 

Cas nodded 

Dean came in and sat in a faded armchair. “ So.. I see you’re wearing a guitar. Could you maybe play me something?” 

Castiel smiled. For the first time in a long time it didn’t hurt to think about playing. He remembered suddenly that he loved this. “ Yeah Dean, I can play you something. The, uh, first thing I ever learned to play on guitar is a country song called stealing cinderella, but when I realized I was gay, I kinda changed the words. Wanna hear that?” 

Dean grinned, “ Hell yeah, I love that song. 

Cas smiled and began to play. His deep baritone voice followed. 

“ Well, I came to see his mama to sit down like a man

There wasn’t any secret I’d be asking for his hand

I guess that’s why she left me standing in the living room by myself 

with at least a dozen pictures of him sitting on the shelf 

He was playing superhero, riding his first bike, bouncing on the bed looking for a pillow fight. Running through the sprinklers with a big popsicle grin and dancing with his mama. She was smiling down at him. In his eyes I’m prince charming but to her I’m just a villain swooping in stealin’ little batman. 

I leaned into a picture to get a better look at one ,when I heard a voice behind me say 

Ain’t he something, son? I said yes my man’s amazing 

but she just stared at me and I realized that in her eyes he would always be, 

Playing super heroes, riding his first bike. Bouncing on the bed and looking for a pillow fight. Running through the sprinklers with a big popsicle grin. Dancing with his mama. She was smiling down at him. In his eyes I’m prince charming but to her I’m just some villain riding in stealing little batman. 

So she gives me a hard time but I can’t blame the woman. I’m the one stealing her batman.” 

Dean grinned as Cas set down the guitar and sat next to him. “ Cas, I think I like that song even more now. What did your parents think about the changes?” 

Cas absentmindedly flipped the pick through his fingers. “ My father said revisions and covers were as popular in country music as Nashville, tennessee. As far as the fact that I changed it to be about a boy, he said as long as the person I end up with is brave and kind he couldn’t care less if they had lady parts or guy parts” 

Dean shook his head and sat further back in the chair, “ That’s a hell of a Dad, Cas”

Castiel shrugged, “ Yes he was. What did your parents think when you came out?” 

Dean raised his eyebrows, “ Dude, my mom doesn’t even know I’m gay.” 

Cas was startled, “ I think it’s time to change that, Dean” 

Dean agreed. 

 


End file.
